I like words. Truly I do, they convey meaning amongst intelligent souls on the green Earth. Okay, blue Earth with a little green then, and the occasional white, brown, and…well you get the picture.
Dolphins communicate with clicks and whistles. “Hey, there’s a shitload of tuna up here and their fat as seals”, or “wanna make a baby dolphin you flat tailed beauty?” Yea, that’s it, and I’m sure dolphins spend a certain amount of time trying the teach porpoises how to be civilized in their language. I wonder sometimes if porpoises aren’t the derelicts of the sea…you know…the ones who go around cursing and bullying the small dolphins? Bastards.
We humans live on many different societal levels; that’s what makes us so damn interesting. One woman’s rap music is another woman’s crap music. Rock and roll to many is Elvis Presley, while to many others it’s Led Zeppelin. And a few think Motley Crue, Ratt, and Metallica fall into that category. So we create genres to disassociate unlike music; 80’s rock, heavy metal, rap, blues, pop, contemporary…
Yes, different terminology helps us understand the meaning of words. And we teach the young humans how to get across the meaning of words without sounding like derelict porpoises in the upright world. When a child says “supposebly” we kindly tell little Jane that supposedly doesn’t have a B in it. Library is another word that needs attention on occasion…I like to tell little ones that no one ever made a “liberry pie”. “Pasgetti” for some reason rolls off a young tongue with less effort than spaghetti. Yes, and if you’re an adult who still supposebly looks up pasgetti on the liberry’s computer you’re a porpoise destine to get caught up in a tuna net…
I love made up words too. Oh certainly I do, and when it’s the seller of a product informing you of a condition you didn’t know existed, and without their product you can’t possibly eradicate the condition you never knew existed…now that’s true marketing! I mean really, who ever heard of gingivitus before Listerine helped prevent it. Think of it…for centuries people walked around with that plague build-up; that bacterial entity eating (munching, biting, scraping, eroding, gaining nutrition) from their very gums! Oh the humanity…
Erectile Dysfunction. What a beautiful combination of words, let it roll off your tongue people. Slowly at first…Errrreeeccctillle Dyyysssfuntttion. Then speed it up, like a rhyme…say it back to back quickly Erectile Dysfunction, Erectile Dysfunction, Erectile Dysfunction. Now make it like a child’s game: Eric Dillon has Erectile Dysfunction, Eric Dillon has Erectile Dysfunction, Eric Dillon has Erectile Dysfunction. See if you and the other members of your family can say it five times without messing it up! Do it at the dinner table while you wait for the stew to cool. Bonding folks…weed out the porpoises!
If my Santa Claus hat (red with a while ball on the top and black trim) continuously flops down into my eyes is that “Stocking Cap Dysfunction”? A tire going flat beside the highway, is that “White Wall Dysfunction”? And if the woman I’ve been hitting on at the bar turns me down is that “Ego Dysfunction”?
And yet, in the last few years we’ve begun to hear about this horrible abnormality known as ED (the abbreviation ruining a perfectly good set of words). Fortunately for those wishing to procreate, there’s a cure! A wonderful cure for a gentleman’s inability to get a hard P—-. Ahhh crap.
This is that age of political correctness, and this is a family blog. I don’t feel entirely comfortable saying the word P—-. I could use C—, D—, Wein–, Do–, or Wil–? No, they hit to near the actual entity swinging between a man’s legs; that little fella who’s destine to get at least one line shot that takes a funny bounce every baseball season.
Noodle. There it is, a happy little synonym for P—-. I don’t think “hard” is a bad word, so we’ll got with hard noodle or soft noddle. Okay then (while wiping the cold sweat from my brow), we may continue…
So, let’s say you and your lady…ahhh crap again! Dammit, this was going along so swimmingly, and now it gone completely to shi-!
You and your partner, that’s the ticket. You and whoever are in the bedroom, on the living room couch, backseat, forested area, gravel driveway, hotel room, Granny’s house, Harley Davidson, baby’s crib (only acceptable if your both midgets), darkened basketball court, basement ( best in a tornado warning alert), Mayor’s back yard, Mama’s bed (you sick bastard!), garage, 3rd story of a Convent, McDonald’s bathroom. And you and your “partner” are boiling up some water, but the water never gets quite hot enough to…ahhh crap again! I don’t wanna soften up the noodle, I wanna make it rock hard! Yes, hard as a brick, concrete, Oak board, algebra, diamond!
I can’t use the noodle synonym then…it died right there as the steam rose.
So you have the Soft Noodle Syndrome eh? There we go, the Soft Noodle Syndrome, and with this pill your noodle can get hard again?
Relax Bob, we can do this…
Erectile Dysfunction. What if you’re in the shower with your “partner”, yes, and let’s say while you’re trying to copulate a piece of the shower wall falls into the stall while you noodle rises not at all? Is that Tile Dysfunction in conjunction with Erectile Dysfunction? And if you begin to cry, is that Smile Dysfunction in conjunction with Tile Dysfunction whilst suffering Erectile Dysfunction?
(Said to the tune of Dr. Suess)
“Do you copulate, masturbate, procreate, or swing like a ape?”
“I would not copulate in a bog. I will not masturbate on a log. I cannot procreate with Shelly Bellog, My noodle is as limp as the fog…
Okay, let’s get serious now. Please realize, there’s a difference between Erectile Dysfunction (the inability to get an erect noodle), and Testosterone Deficiency (loss of the male hormone). With Testosterone Deficiency your noddle may be stiff as Donald Trump’s bangs, but you just don’t care. You’re no longer the Manly Man you used to be (able to not satisfy in a single bound (pump)). You need a totally different pill for Testosterone Deficiency.
Okay, the point of all this was simple, and her it is:
THE GUIDE TO SEX IN THE 21ST CENTURY
(for men over 50)
- Take your Testosterone Deficiency pill around the noon hour.
- Call the intended recipient of you affections (henceforth called victim) around 2 o’clock to tell them you’re thinking of how wonderful they are.
- Shower, crap, re-shower, brush teeth (flossing too Mister!), use Listerine to fight Gingervitus. Shave face, nose hairs, eye brows. Trim hair coming out of ears, trim hair on top of ears, trim two long hairs coming from under individual earlobes.
- Put on matching socks, non-holey underwear, recently washed pants, and a shirt with an actual collar.
- Make sure you have checked balance on your Credit Card prior to embarrassing scene at restaurant.
- Print out copy of “Pre-Sexual Agreement” (form 69-AH) to be signed by the object of your affections prior to introduction of “noodle”.
- Text victim at 5 o’clock to insure they know you’re still thinking about them. Use smile emoji often.
- Clean up doggie crap because you’ve been so busy you forgot to let Fido out.
- Place hypoallergenic gloves on hands prior to filling trash bag with refuse from you vehicle. Fumigate said vehicle with Lysol Family Sized bottle of disinfectant. Hang Pine Tree from rearview mirror.
- Text victim to let them know you are on your way. Also; reiterate how much you’re looking forward to seeing them. Find “Sunshine Emoji”. Use liberally.
- Take Erectile Dysfunction pill on ride. Try to remove Mountain Dew stain from front of your collared shirt where you hit crater sized pothole whilst taking your noodle inflator.
- Once back at scene of noodle insertion insure you have placed “mix-CD of 80’s rock love songs” in player. Using the “clap on/clap off” technique to douse the lights will add to the ambiance of the moment.
- Get form 69-AH signed in blue ink, insuring that the victims signature was forceful enough to go through all three copies.
- Apologize to victim for the short duration of noodle insertion, but while cuddling inform said victim that another “stiff noodle” will be along quite shortly thanks to modern medicine.
- Have secondary 69-AH signed prior to every noodle insertion.
- Always remember that if you have a hard noodle for longer than four hours you are to alert you doctor after attempting numerous insertions to see if it’ll soften over time.
Or you could just watch Sportscenter and go to sleep early…